Why am I doing this to myself?

[linndechir]

After that horrible Schalke match today I needed to cheer myself up. So I did the best thing you can do when you're feeling down. I went and spent way too many hours on weepingcock . For those of you who don't know this jewel of LJ, it's a comm where people post the most horrible, hilarious, absurd pieces of porny fanfic writing they've found on the internet. Nothing can cheer you up like porn that's so bad it makes you laugh tears, or giggle uncontrollably for five minutes.


Dirty talk fail:
"My butt is filled with all you dick!" (Yes, it's "you dick", not my typo.)
"BOY, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR ERECTION? BECAUSE I'LL HELP YOU FIIIIIIND IT!"
"Oh no! My man-cherry" he cried. "Now I can never be a bride!"

I rolled my body instead, and this was satisfactory for the both of us.

He was hard and ready, his little Beast gorged to the size of a salami.

Stanley quietly gave a loud gasp. It was bigger than he thought and hard as a sexy rock. (The same fic also features "rigid hot dog" as another euphemism for "penis".)

The horror! The hot and horny, soon to be man on man humping horror! (Dear f-list, please read this line out loud. Several times. Try yelling it.)

And then there was this thing that involved "omnipotent nut-nectar" and "divine cockvomit", but you should see for yourself here, because this might just qualify as the worst, most hilarious fanfic ever. Right after Jesus and Hitler: A Romance  - but I really hope all of you know that one already, because it's epic. After all it includes lines such as "He started frenching with the Lord" or "Christ slept in the buff". Don't forget to read chapter two, there's a threesome with God in it!
I can definitely recommend having a closer look at weepingcock . It's hilarious, and the comments are often even funnier than the fics.

If you have more epic quotes to share, please do. If you want to yell at me for inflicting this horror on you (THE HORROR! THE HOT AND HORNY, SOON TO BE MAN ON MAN HUMPING HORROR!!!!), I understand that.

Comments

[deborahkla.livejournal.com]

The horror! The hot and horny, soon to be man on man humping horror!

I'm back from holiday and simply can't stop saying this over and over and over...HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP

Off to weepingcock now, which I've decided is the greatest LJ title of all time.

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

IKR? I have to give a presentation in class tomorrow, how am I supposed to do that without yelling this awesome sentence at them?

Yay holidays! Not yay for the holidays being over.

It probably is. I hope you found more gems like this one. Also, I love your icon. Here, have the original. ;)

[machiavelli-imp.livejournal.com]

I have to give a presentation in class tomorrow, how am I supposed to do that without yelling this awesome sentence at them?
Use it as an example sentence, translated into each of the major languages existing in Middle Ages England. Although I'd love to see the dictionary that actually has an entry for "man humping horror." *snorts*

Not yay for the holidays being over.
I'll be thinking the same thing come June. You'll be on summer holidays and I will be stuck in an exam room.

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

Your suggestion is a lot more positive than what another friend of mine said to that. I quote, "Oh. You're fucked."

June ... well, hopefully I'll have my bachelor thesis finished by then. Or else I'll be panicking and trying to finish it on time like crazy. ;)