Why am I doing this to myself?

[linndechir]

After that horrible Schalke match today I needed to cheer myself up. So I did the best thing you can do when you're feeling down. I went and spent way too many hours on weepingcock . For those of you who don't know this jewel of LJ, it's a comm where people post the most horrible, hilarious, absurd pieces of porny fanfic writing they've found on the internet. Nothing can cheer you up like porn that's so bad it makes you laugh tears, or giggle uncontrollably for five minutes.


Dirty talk fail:
"My butt is filled with all you dick!" (Yes, it's "you dick", not my typo.)
"BOY, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR ERECTION? BECAUSE I'LL HELP YOU FIIIIIIND IT!"
"Oh no! My man-cherry" he cried. "Now I can never be a bride!"

I rolled my body instead, and this was satisfactory for the both of us.

He was hard and ready, his little Beast gorged to the size of a salami.

Stanley quietly gave a loud gasp. It was bigger than he thought and hard as a sexy rock. (The same fic also features "rigid hot dog" as another euphemism for "penis".)

The horror! The hot and horny, soon to be man on man humping horror! (Dear f-list, please read this line out loud. Several times. Try yelling it.)

And then there was this thing that involved "omnipotent nut-nectar" and "divine cockvomit", but you should see for yourself here, because this might just qualify as the worst, most hilarious fanfic ever. Right after Jesus and Hitler: A Romance  - but I really hope all of you know that one already, because it's epic. After all it includes lines such as "He started frenching with the Lord" or "Christ slept in the buff". Don't forget to read chapter two, there's a threesome with God in it!
I can definitely recommend having a closer look at weepingcock . It's hilarious, and the comments are often even funnier than the fics.

If you have more epic quotes to share, please do. If you want to yell at me for inflicting this horror on you (THE HORROR! THE HOT AND HORNY, SOON TO BE MAN ON MAN HUMPING HORROR!!!!), I understand that.

Comments

[machiavelli-imp.livejournal.com]

[Sorry about the last comment - wrong HTML]
VIELEN DAAAANK!
My parents have been bitching at me to do more study after I didn't get a university medal, so I definitely needed some brain-melting comedy to cheer me up. I don't know what was more effective: the image of a "sexy rock" (this is obviously a large boulder wearing nothing but an SS cap and matching lacy garters) or the horrified!Miro wearing purple.

Have you seen mctabby's Summary Executions? Not quite as amusing, but they contain such gems as "Albus runs away from his heart to Paris but his heart follows him."
*runs off to look at weepingcock, giggling*

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

[No problem, happens to everyone.]

I'm sorry to hear about the bitching parents, I've had some of that myself lately. Glad this could cheer you up. ^^
If you want more, I've got a few other gems mem'd here (http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=linndechir&keyword=bad%20porn&filter=all)

The summary executions sound somewhat familiar, I think I've seen them before. :)

Horrified!Miro seemed even more appropriate to me in this situation than horrified!Lahm:

[deborahkla.livejournal.com]

Challenge: use sexy rock in a sentence

Response:

It's simple, really; Hans Hotter uses his sexy rock to make Peter Hofmann's cock weep.

Apologies for comment-spamming. I did try to find a phallic meteorite.

[machiavelli-imp.livejournal.com]

You want to put that where?


Oh stop pretending that you don't want to have my sexy rock in your car!


Remember last time you suggested that?




Why won't he accept that that was a total coincidence?


*disembodied voice* ...Because it was revenge for you photographing me in a dress?

BTW, some new clips from Lohengrin (http://community.livejournal.com/wagnerdammerung/2188.html) are up. I've written the end and the start of your Les Bienventailles incest fic, now I just need to connect them. Heydrich should stop insisting that he be taping the whole thing from the next room, it's very distracting.

[zoi-no-miko.livejournal.com]

... that is AMAZING. <3

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

Hot and horny is what it is. ;) Glad you liked it.

[serpentsign.livejournal.com]

HOT AND HORNY SOON TO BE MAN ON MAN HUMPING OF HORROR!

This is going to be a problem I see. Everytime I talk to you that's what's going to happen. Yelling and flailing about HOT ANG HORNY HUMPING OF HORROR. Yes.

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

Definitely. Whenever I'm going to talk to you on MSN in the future, I will start the conversation with "THE HOT AND HORNY, THE SOON TO BE MAN ON MAN HUMPING HORROR!!!!"

You: Hi, Linn, how are you doing? ;)

[unsettledink.livejournal.com]

...I cannot look at the salami one without my mind going to HANI SALAMI AND ROGER FAIR ASS...

Oh, self.

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

Hani Salami ... okay, my brain is officially broken now. I'm imagining a salami in an elegant suit saying "my dear".

Oh, btw, I got your postcard yesterday! :D Thank you so much! There's nothing like finding surprise!fic with Mark and Hans when you get home. You're awesome. <3

[unsettledink.livejournal.com]

BLAME ANNE. *shifty eyes* It was the porn star AU...

Yay! So glad you got it and liked it! I'll be posting them all as soon as the rest are received. :D

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

Seriously. I wanted to put up a post asking people if they wanted Christmas cards ... but my cards feel so boring and inadequate compared to your postcard!fics.

[unsettledink.livejournal.com]

....WHUT NO. DOOOOOO IT. OMG MAIL. And hey, cards don't have to contain fic. Little bits of love are quite awesome enough.

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I probably will do it after all. I'm in a much better mood than yesterday because Mr. tattoo porn and his team won today, so I'm happy.

Until there are postcards with little bits of love, have some horrifyingly bad porn: http://community.livejournal.com/weepingcock/537996.html It involves "balloon-like breasts" and "the pink target of her womanhood".

[zigsternenstaub.livejournal.com]

Haha, I knew it was going to be bad when the community is called 'weeping cock!'

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

Yep. ^^ And the scary thing is that "weeping cock" is NOTHING compared to the other horrors (hot and horny!) you may find on that comm.

[deborahkla.livejournal.com]

The horror! The hot and horny, soon to be man on man humping horror!

I'm back from holiday and simply can't stop saying this over and over and over...HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP

Off to weepingcock now, which I've decided is the greatest LJ title of all time.

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

IKR? I have to give a presentation in class tomorrow, how am I supposed to do that without yelling this awesome sentence at them?

Yay holidays! Not yay for the holidays being over.

It probably is. I hope you found more gems like this one. Also, I love your icon. Here, have the original. ;)

[machiavelli-imp.livejournal.com]

I have to give a presentation in class tomorrow, how am I supposed to do that without yelling this awesome sentence at them?
Use it as an example sentence, translated into each of the major languages existing in Middle Ages England. Although I'd love to see the dictionary that actually has an entry for "man humping horror." *snorts*

Not yay for the holidays being over.
I'll be thinking the same thing come June. You'll be on summer holidays and I will be stuck in an exam room.

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

Your suggestion is a lot more positive than what another friend of mine said to that. I quote, "Oh. You're fucked."

June ... well, hopefully I'll have my bachelor thesis finished by then. Or else I'll be panicking and trying to finish it on time like crazy. ;)