A pirate, a sociopath and a king walk into a bar ...

[linndechir]

I spent the entire day yesterday figuring out the assignments for the fic and art exchange on got_exchange. Why did I think this was a good idea again? No, to be fair, I really enjoy this whole mod business, it's fun. I just didn't expect 30 participants. Most assignments were really easy because many people like the same characters and pairings anyway, but in the end I was left with a handful of weirdos (including myself), who instead of shipping Jaime/Brienne and Robb/Jon like everyone else wanted fic about the Greyjoys, the Boltons and Stannis. I mentioned to outboxed that it sounds like the beginning of a really weird joke: "A pirate, a sociopath and a king walk into a bar ..." We couldn't find a punchline, though. The joke would probably end with everyone dead anyway.
But it's done now, everyone has their assignments. And so far I haven't had any angry "are you out of your mind, giving me these shit prompts?" mails yet.

Anyway, today, instead of focusing on the prompt I have to write like a good girl, I finally thought a bit about writing some Stannis/Sansa. Spreading the love for my insane pairings and all. But not only would I have to write het (which is, in itself, really hilarious because I usually don't like het and I've never written any in my life), but I realised that I would have to write het from the point of view of a 13-year-old virgin. JUST HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT??? Or rather, how am I supposed not to laugh hysterically when Sansa thinks about his "manhood"? Really? I mean, the scene is supposed to be utterly awkward and weird, but I still don't want to laugh madly while writing it. And I do want to write from Sansa's POV. Omniscient POV wouldn't work, I think, and Stannis' POV ... I'm afraid it would make him look a bit emo, tbh. That man has so many issues, especially when marrying a gorgeous young girl, I'd probably just end up with several pages of self-loathing.

I have no idea what to do about this. Manhood. Who even invented that word? It's so ridiculous.

Comments

[outboxed.livejournal.com]

You are definitely not a waste of space. I am so tempted to go with the Theon/Robb prompt I got but I am afraid it will end up being ~the Theon/Robb epic which ought never to have existed. I would be better off playing safe & boring with Jon/Robb.

I know that he'd have to sleep with her but I think that would be one of the less interesting parts of their relationship? His kindness towards her, contrasted with the fact that he's not a naturally affectionate person would be the part worth exploring, I think? But, yeah, I think you've definitely got a good idea of how it'd work out.

GRRM's sex scenes are cringe-inducing. Gaaah. I sort of feel as though he believes in the magical healing power of cock. Asha's sex scene with Qarl in ADWD made me want to actually commit acts of violence because it was so "lol, it's not rape, made you look! she actually ~*~totally~*~ wanted him even if she didn't know it yet. yeah, he's everything she ever dreamed of. she only threatened to kill him if he tried anything for lols." Yeah, not cool. I AM STILL MOURNING THEON'S COCK OVER HERE. (Probability that he still has it is so low right now. Poor kid. At least he enjoyed it while he could, I guess?)

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

You can start writing both and see where it goes, then see which one you actually want to finish.

The thing is, Stannis would not even try to spend all that much time with her outside the marriage bed, especially not before the wedding. So, sleeping with her would be a big way for him to show her some kindness, especially since it was probably the part she was most afraid of. The wedding night would probably be one of the first times they actually interact beyond empty courtesies, and how that night goes will be pretty important for their relationship.

Huh, wasn't Asha/Qarl that totally sweet scene in which they just tease each other? That's how I understood it ... that they were in a relationship and just teasing each other, like, "lol, I don't want to have sex with you, wink." Did I misunderstand that? oO Asha/Qarl was actually one of the few sex scenes I liked, because they seemed to be so comfortable around each other. It didn't feel like rape to me at all.

Heh, Theon's cock. I remember reading that and thinking, "wait, did he cut off his cock? Oh fuck."

[outboxed.livejournal.com]

True!

I can see that. I suppose I am just far more interested in significant glances and tiny acts of kindness than I am in how it all goes down in the sack? I don't knoww.

I did not read it as sweet at all! It is like [Enter Qarl, a character you've never met before. Asha says, & I quote, "Get out ... I want to be alone." Qarl declines to leave and instead tells her she wants him. She pushes him away & threatens him. They have a violent altercation in which he cuts her clothes off.] It's only after that that we find out that she's totally into him &, yeah, maybe that is just ~how they roll~ or something but there is absolutely no show of knowing sexual play to start with. It definitely reads as though she actually wants her to leave her the hell alone until he is actually already screwing her. \: And then it is basically her interior monologue going "Qarl's cock is the best thing ever." It was like the Dany/Drogo scene all over again for me, basically, only I actually give a damn about Asha so it bothers me more.

It definitely seems pretty likely that, yeah, Ramsay cut off his cock. There are, maybe, one or two comments which make it seem weirdly improbable (bad editing?) but there are a good few reasons to think that poor Theon got castrated. Damn you, Ramsay. \\:

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

Haha, I don't blame you for that, and usually I'd agree. But then again, most of my pairings don't consist of two people who HAVE to sleep with each other, whether they want to or not. With most pairings the actual sex is not all that important, it's the result of earlier interaction, of conversations, of glances and smiles and then wanting to sleep with each other. With this pairing, there is basically nothing leading up to the sex, but just "oh hai, we have to marry now and produce an heir, even though we barely talked with each other before."

Mhm, maybe I need to reread that scene, but I didn't get that impression at all. Maybe it's because of Asha's reaction afterwards: she's not angry at him, and unlike 13-year-old Daenerys Asha does not strike me as the kind of woman who'd just try to convince herself that it's not so bad. If Qarl had raped her, Asha would have cut off his balls. To me her whole behaviour towards him spoke more of teasing between lovers than actual rape. I just really don't see Asha taking that sort of bullshit from any man unless it's really just kinky sex for them. And kinky, violent sex with a tough Ironborn man (compare her dislike for soft-spoken Tris) seems very in character for Asha; convincing herself that she wanted her rapist does not. Also, there's the part about how her men respect her and would die for her. I doubt she would think that if one of them had raped her like she's just a salt wife.

Yep, fairly sure he did cut it off and only mocked Theon later on (with the "does that make you hard?" comment).

[outboxed.livejournal.com]

I can see that the ~marriage bed~ is probably one of the few places that they'd get to interact. I just think that it'd be incredibly difficult to make Stannis come out of that encounter not looking awful, regardless of what went down. Whereas, he might easily be made to look kind or sympathetic in other interactions with her.

I'm pretty damn sure that GRRM wanted it to read as though it was going to be rape right up until he's actually screwing her and it's magically revealed that they have an existing relationship & she likes him & it's totally cool. So, yeah, I'm not saying it is rape but it's meant to look like it which I just find deeply squick-inducing and worrying.

I agree with that but Ramsay's comments aren't the only weird bit. There's also a bit with one of the pseudo-washerwomen later on where you get this bit 'insight' into Theon's mind: "He wanted to hit her, to smash that mocking smile off her face. He wanted to kiss her, to fuck her right there on the table and make her cry his name. But he knew he dare not touch her, in anger or in lust." And, yeah, he's only thinking that he WANTS to fuck her and I'm sure he has other ~creative~ ways of doing so but it's just weird that he would not think about how he HAS NO COCK in any of the interactions with the washerwomen where he's just like "this is obviously a cruel jape because I know I'm not handsome anymore". Probably just sloppy writing. I don't know.

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

You think he would look awful in that encounter? Because I imagine he would have wanted to be kind to her during that wedding night. He's not cruel, and he's already self-conscious enough without her crying in pain or wincing in disgust when he touches her. He'd try to be nice to her just to spare himself the humiliation of his wife begging him to stop.
I think it's more other situations in which he looks awful, because he'd probably think that it's his duty to treat his wife relatively kindly in bed, but it's not his duty to make small talk with her about whether she likes hanging out with her ladies in the palace gardens. So in most situations he's probably very gruff and dismissive, while he'd try to be nice in the one situation in which they actually interact as husband and wife, not as king and "that girl I had to marry".

Mhm, I guess we just read it differently. I suppose I would have agreed with you if it were any other character, but with Asha the pre-existing relationship with kinky sex just made more sense to me. *shrug*

I suppose it's sloppy writing, there was a lot of that in ADWD.

[outboxed.livejournal.com]

I think it probably depends on the circumstances of the marriage and everything but I don't think any degree of kindness is likely to make him wholly sympathetic? That may just be me though.
Yeah, it's hard to think of Stannis being loving and in character both at once but I think teaching himself (or maybe having Davos convince him? haha) to do the teeniest acts of kindness could be heartbreakingly tender - especially when the absence of any kind gesture was expected by all, in the light of Stannis' general coldness (especially towards Selyse).

I'm not quibbling about the manner of Asha relationship at all. Asha is totally entitled to have kinky sex games - good for her. But the way GRRM wrote it really did not sit well with me at all, because he really did do it with a ~*~magic mid-sex reveal~*~ that it wasn't rape - unless I missed some vital clue on both readings of it. I have no problem with the plot/action in most of GRRM's sex scenes but the way he writes them is just so ugh-tastic, as I'm sure you'll agree.

True! *sigh* If only I weren't so invested in the characters' fates.

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

I find Stannis incredibly sympathetic. ;) But if I do it right, then my fic!Stannis will be as sympathetic or unsympathetic as book!Stannis, and YMMV on how sympathetic that is.
I agree. Davos (and Renly, if we go AU and Renly joined forces with Stannis) will probably have to help Stannis (i.e. beat him over the head with a stick). Like, "it's her nameday, Stannis, you're SUPPOSED to give her a gift -.-" I think Stannis' awful marriage with Selyse would make him try to do a slightly better job with his second wife, at least if she behaves kindly towards him as well. He probably wouldn't want to repeat that.

I see your point. I was probably just not paying enough attention, I often do that during the sex scenes and just go through them quickly. But he is awful at writing them, whether it's on purpose or not, I don't know.

Tell me about it. Sometimes I wish I could just be a Tyrion or Daenerys fan and trust in their almighty plot armour.