A pirate, a sociopath and a king walk into a bar ...

[linndechir]

I spent the entire day yesterday figuring out the assignments for the fic and art exchange on got_exchange. Why did I think this was a good idea again? No, to be fair, I really enjoy this whole mod business, it's fun. I just didn't expect 30 participants. Most assignments were really easy because many people like the same characters and pairings anyway, but in the end I was left with a handful of weirdos (including myself), who instead of shipping Jaime/Brienne and Robb/Jon like everyone else wanted fic about the Greyjoys, the Boltons and Stannis. I mentioned to outboxed that it sounds like the beginning of a really weird joke: "A pirate, a sociopath and a king walk into a bar ..." We couldn't find a punchline, though. The joke would probably end with everyone dead anyway.
But it's done now, everyone has their assignments. And so far I haven't had any angry "are you out of your mind, giving me these shit prompts?" mails yet.

Anyway, today, instead of focusing on the prompt I have to write like a good girl, I finally thought a bit about writing some Stannis/Sansa. Spreading the love for my insane pairings and all. But not only would I have to write het (which is, in itself, really hilarious because I usually don't like het and I've never written any in my life), but I realised that I would have to write het from the point of view of a 13-year-old virgin. JUST HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT??? Or rather, how am I supposed not to laugh hysterically when Sansa thinks about his "manhood"? Really? I mean, the scene is supposed to be utterly awkward and weird, but I still don't want to laugh madly while writing it. And I do want to write from Sansa's POV. Omniscient POV wouldn't work, I think, and Stannis' POV ... I'm afraid it would make him look a bit emo, tbh. That man has so many issues, especially when marrying a gorgeous young girl, I'd probably just end up with several pages of self-loathing.

I have no idea what to do about this. Manhood. Who even invented that word? It's so ridiculous.

Comments

[geeklee.livejournal.com]

to some, manhood sounds better than prick, dick or anything. hey, in the first law trilogy they call it fruits, so don't complain.

and as for sansa, don't think of her as a 13 year old. i know she is, but 13 year olds in that time are very different than 13 year olds today. they don't think of themselves as children and the world doesn't think of them as children. try thinking of her as a young virgin, if you can. that should help. mentally and with experiences, they were far more adult than today's teen.

can't wait to read it :)

ps - even modern 13 yr olds think about sex and "manhoods".

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

I usually prefer "cock" in fanfic, but you just know Sansa doesn't use that. Fruits? That's almost as bad as "cream-filled twinkie of love". ;)

Obviously she's more grown-up, but she still is very young, and Sansa (especially if I go AU in the middle of ACoK and all of ASOS and AFFC don't happen to her) is rather naive, dreamy etc. And, let's face it, Stannis is nothing like the kind of man she'd want to marry if anyone asked her. Sansa wants a gallant, handsome knight and all that stuff.

Duh, obviously modern 13-year-olds think of sex, I'd be very worried about them if they didn't. ;) The underage part doesn't bother me in the least. I just have trouble with the language I'd have to use, because I like porn to sound porny. I don't like flowery purple prose. But if I write from Sansa's POV, I can't use porny language. Sansa doesn't think of cocks and fucking, she thinks of manhoods and making love or doing her marital duty or what do I know. And I'm not sure how to write that without making it sound utterly ridiculous. I probably won't manage, because let's face it, most of GRRM's sex scenes also sound utterly ridiculous. But it's okay, I don't want to write that scene because it's hot porn, but because I want to explore how these two characters would get along.

[geeklee.livejournal.com]

cream-filled twinkie of love?

i'm pissing myself laughing :)

[kyliesvillain.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad to hear that you've decided to write Stannis/Sansa, I know it has been going around in your head for some time. But a small part of my brain keeps saying: OMG HET! I would have never thought you'd do it.^^

Funnily enough, I know what it feels like, trying to write het when you've only ever written slash (and read more then 95% slash fanfiction). :) Writing het feels strange... especially from the female POV (and that's even stranger considering we both ARE women).

What helps me with writing a female POV is if the woman/girl is quite different from myself. You're facing the problem of writing like a 13 year old girl, I'm facing the problem of writing like a 60+ madam of a brothel... ;)

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

I'm so weirded out by myself. ASOIAF makes me ship het, I don't get it. I suppose it's because of the general setting: I want Stannis as king, King Stannis will need a son, he needs a woman to get that son ... so inevitably there will be het. For me it's more about the character interaction than about the porn, because the porn will just be hilarious.

I don't know if I should be glad that Sansa is so different from me or not. On the one hand, I can be sure that I don't write her as my self-insert (well, okay, there might be a bit of drooling at Stannis at later points ;) but she doesn't BEHAVE anything like me). But on the other hand, I'm just so weirded out by her. It makes the whole challenge of writing het even more challenging. I have to keep myself from laughing about her half the time. She'll ask him not to hurt her etc. Nah, but it's going to be fun in the end, I get to write Stannis being awkward, and that's always amusing.

[kyliesvillain.livejournal.com]

I'm so weirded out by myself.
Once again, I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. But sometimes a pairing just makes sense and you have to write it. Because nobody else will....

I'm really looking forward to reading your fic. There is not nearly enough Stannis. I'd read almost every pairing, provided that it is written well (and that's something I'm not worried about with you).

What are your reactions about Stephen Dillane being cast as Stannis? Never heard that name before (http://www.theatermania.com/news/images/27329a.jpg). And I just read they cast Carice Van Houten as Melisandre, oh no, I LOVE her, if this is true then I will surely start loving Melsisandre as well...damn.

[evoe.livejournal.com]

Manhood is still better than some of the alternatives... I did start reading the books by the way, so I'm pretty pleased with myself right now, because I actually know more or less who you're talking about :)
So far I only got to page 200 or so though, so there's still a lot left to explore! And since I'm kinda reading and watching the whole thing at the same time, I guess it's going to take me some time before I'm through the whole four books. They have to be truly amazing though if they make you consider writing het! :D

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

Oh God, I completely forgot to send you an e-mail with the rec, as I had promised. Glad you started reading and watching anyway. :D Well, you know who Sansa is, but Stannis isn't around yet in the first book. I hope you'll like him. Stannis haters make me sad.

Well, for once GRRM actually writes female characters who are interesting and not just annoying and dumb, that helps. And as I said in a comment above, the het just comes with a setting. In a world where people just HAVE to marry, if only because they need heirs, the het is somehow inevitable.

[nymeri.livejournal.com]

At least I got an awesome prompt that I just had to start on right away, despite still having fandomaid commissions to work on... When did my internet life become so busy?
And what weird requests? I do expect you found a Tywin/Roose shipper for my prompt. ;)

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked your prompts. I was planning for you to draw for someone else the whole time, until I got to the end, and things didn't work out at all, and I was getting desperate, and then I realised, "ha, but if I have nymeri draw for XYZ instead of for ABC, then all my problems are solved!" Well, not all of them, but some of them. I'm glad you like your prompts, though. ^^ I can't wait to see your art, because I really liked the prompts I gave to you as well.

I had requests like Robb/Daenerys (and of course nobody specifically said that they could write Robb/Daenerys), and I had only one and a half Daenerys/Jorah shippers in the entire exchange (strange, because it's usually such a popular pairing). Then I had a Bolton fan, while most participants were all like "no Boltons!" And I had more people asking for Jon/Robb than I had people writing for them ... It was maddening.

Duh, I had five enthusiastic Tywin/Roose shippers and I couldn't even decide whom to give your prompts. ;)

[nymeri.livejournal.com]

One of the prompts especially floats my boat. ;)

Wow, there's a lot more work than one first thinks behind these events. I'm sure it will end up great though. But there should be more Bolton fans, flaying and backstabing aside, they seem like such a cool House. They seriously call their home the Dreadfort, flaunt their flayed-man sigil, and yet the rest of the North hasn't killed them off yet. I would love some more details on their past conflicts with the Starks.

That pairing needs to be spread, it has o much potential...

[alexandral.livejournal.com]

lolololol. You can always have Stannis to ask Sansa to name his "manhood" . he is bossy like that. Or simply ask her to call "him" Davos.?

OK, sorry for being too silly.

I think Sansa can use some other more "polite" version of "manhood", like "phallus, member". BTW, I tried to search in Free Online Dictionary and it doesn't support using "manhood" in "that" way : http://www.thefreedictionary.com/manhood

Did Martin invent it? I love the word, btw, it is funny.

EDIT: Congratulations on the success of your comm!!!! Is someone writing a fic about Greyjoys? I must check this ASAP.

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

Rofl. Stannis' dick is called Davos, I can't get over it. This sounds like bad crackfic.

Well, it's not like Sansa will actually say anything out loud (that would be inappropriate, gasp), but if I write her POV, I'm sure she will have some thoughts about his "manhood". God, that word is hilarious.

I don't think GRRM invented it. I've seen it used a lot in badly written, purple prose smut. It's not that rare, but I think it's absolutely awful.

Thank you again for designing the layout, I really appreciate it. :) I never thought so many people would participate, it's wonderful.
Well, some people had prompts about the Greyjoys, and some people said they could write about the Greyjoys. Of course that doesn't mean that someone will actually write one of the Greyjoys prompts and not something else. But you can hope, at least. ^^

[lydzi.livejournal.com]

Now I'm trying to picture Stannis's manhood and tbh I see it like a sword somehow so...

I WANT THAT FIC TBH.

Sansa is my personnal bicycle in GOT. I can read any pairing with her in it. I still have my favourite but still.

That exchange has me so excited. I think I'm going to take a coin and flip it to choose between two prompts lol. Harvey Dent style ^^.

Us and our love for pirates and onions :p...

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

Oh, I have no trouble imagining Stannis' "manhood", but let's not go there. ;) I just don't want to call it manhood. DNW.

Haha, thank you, I hope it will get written at some point. I really need to spread the love for this pairing.

Stannis is MY fandom bicycle. I ship him with all of three people, while most characters just make me go like, "meh, sleep with whomever you want, don't care." I ship Sandor/Sansa in the books, but I don't think they could ever be together. Stannis/Sansa could actually be a happy relationship.

Just do both prompts, bwahahah! :D I'm trying to talk everyone into writing more fic.

My brother just read the first Aeron chapter from AFFC out loud to me (he's currently reading the books), it was awesome. He does an epic Aeron impression.
Pirates, onions, and overly lawful kings. ^^

[lydzi.livejournal.com]

Your brother sounds so cool. You need to register him! SHARE THE LOVE XD.

[outboxed.livejournal.com]

I think that sentence should read: "yesterday, I spent the entire day commentspamming someone else's lj with outboxed - oh, and, incidentally, I also sent out the got_exchange assignments". :P Okay, joking aside, good job getting through all of those! I am mulling over which prompt to write right now.

I can't really see Stannis/Sansa. He just would not want to sleep with her. I think you'd be better off having him show his ~love through kindness and understanding or something? And also putting her/their enemies to the sword. ;D

I was rereading the Theon chapters in ACOK earlier and came across a mention of the "iron outline of his manhood" and didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The combination of BAD METAPHOR and MANHOOD was too much for me. I do not like to think about ~*~iron~*~ cocks. There is nothing good about that notion. Noo.

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

That probably would have been the more honest version of what I did yesterday. ;) But I like to pretend I'm not a complete waste of space. ^^ I'm not sure which of my prompts to write either, and I'm trying to convince myself not to write all the Stannis prompts in the exchange just for fun. ;)

Oh, he will definitely be putting their enemies to the sword. I have this image in my head of Stannis, before they get married, showing Sansa Cersei's and Joffrey's heads, right where Joffrey once showed her Ned's. ;)
He would HAVE to sleep with her, if only because he needs an heir. For him it wouldn't be about what he (or she) wants, but about his duty as a king to produce a male heir. And that's probably how he'd see the whole thing in the beginning: he has to marry her to appease the Northerners and to get a son, not because he actually cares about her (nor she about him, Stannis is not delusional). Though I do think he would be kind to her on the wedding night, because Stannis is simply not the kind of man to hurt a woman on purpose. He'd want to make it as pleasant as possible for both of them, because I don't think he'd want a second Selyse. And after how the Lannisters treated her, I think Sansa would appreciate every bit of kindness, especially coming from someone who does not seem very kind most of the time.
I don't ever see Stannis and Sansa falling in love just because they met, no. But if they married for political reasons, I do see it working out. And I'd like to explore how.

They're the Ironborn, of course they have iron cocks. *eyeroll* GRRM's sex scenes are all so absolutely awful and hilarious, and sometimes rather gross. I love it. I don't read those books for hot porn, and I love how in character and ridiculous the sex scenes are. Theon would totally think of his own cock as iron and the gods' gift to mankind. ;)

[outboxed.livejournal.com]

You are definitely not a waste of space. I am so tempted to go with the Theon/Robb prompt I got but I am afraid it will end up being ~the Theon/Robb epic which ought never to have existed. I would be better off playing safe & boring with Jon/Robb.

I know that he'd have to sleep with her but I think that would be one of the less interesting parts of their relationship? His kindness towards her, contrasted with the fact that he's not a naturally affectionate person would be the part worth exploring, I think? But, yeah, I think you've definitely got a good idea of how it'd work out.

GRRM's sex scenes are cringe-inducing. Gaaah. I sort of feel as though he believes in the magical healing power of cock. Asha's sex scene with Qarl in ADWD made me want to actually commit acts of violence because it was so "lol, it's not rape, made you look! she actually ~*~totally~*~ wanted him even if she didn't know it yet. yeah, he's everything she ever dreamed of. she only threatened to kill him if he tried anything for lols." Yeah, not cool. I AM STILL MOURNING THEON'S COCK OVER HERE. (Probability that he still has it is so low right now. Poor kid. At least he enjoyed it while he could, I guess?)

[viceindustrious.livejournal.com]

Not even reading any of this because I haven't read any of the books and all discussion on the internet seems to tend toward spoilers, but I just had to say randomly, woot, go you. I watched the tv show in two little mini marathons and it was awesome. :D

Can't you cast your mind back to when you were 13 years old. Or a virgin. Or a 13 year old virgin. Or a . . . a ummm, 13 year old virgin from a crazy fantasy time of fantasy okay that doesn't really work so well . . . nevermind. :P

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

I don't think there actually were any spoilers in this, other than that I ship two characters who have never even met in the books (yet), but I think they'd be awesome together.
Glad you liked the series. You should definitely read the books, though, they're amazing. And by amazing, I mean absolutely fucking incredible. Except for Daenerys. Gods. *hate* But you need to read the books so you can meet the best characters in the entire series, and they only appear in book 2. ;)

You know, even when I was a 13-year-old virgin, I was not like Sansa. ;) Her opinions on love, sex, relationships etc. are nothing like mine, not even like mine when I was 13. But I understand her, I know how she thinks, I just don't know how to write it without making it sound hilarious.

A handfull of weirdos

[sternflammenden.livejournal.com]

Was lurking your journal (because I am a creep, of course) and this made me smile. There are a quite a few of us weirdos out there! I was astonished that I found other Bolton fans on the sorting comms when I started to post fic.

Embrace your ASOIAF freakiness. It is the fandom made for freakiness.

This exchange is going to be so much fun!

Re: A handfull of weirdos

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

You're welcome to lurk as much as you like. :) Yes, there are a few weirdos around, but we're still fairly alone compared to the really popular characters and pairings out there. Seriously, I can't believe how much Robb/Jon there was. I don't get why that is SO popular.

Freaks unite! :)

This one, and the asoiafexchange at the same time, there will be so much fic and art. Most of it will probably be stuff I don't care about all that much, but I'm still so very excited. :)

[alcanis-ivennil.livejournal.com]

Oh my. So I'km not the only one who thought about this crack pairing.

I'd totally love Stannis being all emo about it. :D

[linndechir.livejournal.com]

Stannis/Sansa is not crack, it's serious business. ;D No, it started out as crack, but by now I honestly ship them like mad. They'd be perfect together.

Stannis is emo about everything. And especially about the absurd idea of anyone loving him.